The Great Bear Nudity Epidemic

by David Finley

We bring you this Haven For Scofflaws Special News Report:

 Brian Sanford and his family had taken a summer road trip to Yellowstone Park. While delighted by the fantastic natural wonders like hot springs, geysers, and canyons, the family was unprepared for one startling reality.

 Bear Nudity.

 Sanford gave this eyewitness account. "The trip was goin' great. We hiked the canyons and the guide gave us tips on how to forage for berries. Stephen caught a trout at the river, and we got to see a geyser erupt. Everything was going smoothly until we made camp and started fixing dinner."

As the Sanford family prepared for a wholesome family meal, two bears emerged from a nearby cropping of shrubbery completely naked.

 Sanford recounted, "We heard a slight pop come from the bushes and before we knew it, those bears were running around our camp bear, um, I mean bare-assed naked."

 "My wife screamed and we tried to shield our kid's eyes, but it was too late. The kids just started crying as those bears exposed themselves with absolutely no shame at all."

 "Then, if that wasn't enough, they ate our food, the ranger's hat, and a backpack that held our swimsuits. I think they were trying to force their liberal bear nudist lifestyle on us. I can't believe what this country has come to."

 An opposing group called "No Bare Bears" attempted to organize a protest, but the rally was broken up when even more naked bears staged a counter rally by eating "No Bare Bear's" signs, followed by shocking displays of public urination.

 "No Bare Bear" spokesperson, Ian Guddendeesent had the following response in an open letter to the president.

Dear Mr. President,

 Bear nudity has run rampant in this great nation of ours, and for good Americans like the Sanford family, it is no laughing matter. Forests across the "Yoo Ess of A" are packed to the gills with hedonistic bears wearing nothing at all. Bears are supposed to wear hats and ties, and steal the occasional "pickinic basket". Maybe this kind of filth is okay in Europe, but it will not fly here.

 Our national parks have been turned into a strip club. We can no longer sit idly by as our youth are exposed to the naughty bits of these bands of "bearelicts". Please join our fight against bear indecency.

 We have organized a Facebook Page against bear nudity and we strongly suggest you "like" it. We will not rest until every bear in our forest is wearing a pair of government appointed underpants.

Ian Guddendeesent.

 So far, Washington has not given a response, but stay tuned here for more on this raging epidemic.

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